I don't know what the exact reason, but I just can't hold on my tears. Maybe the hormonal PMS, maybe I just overthinking the situation, or I just getting more whining everyday.
And then the thought hit me just right. Why am I like this?
I used to be the independent-strong-didn't care what others think- kind of person. But why recently I got more and more fragile?
Is it because I found someone I could lean on so I let loose everything and giving up all my warrior-starter-pack aside? Isn't it mean I trusted him enough, no?
I know I shouldn't, but maybe I'm just tired?
After all my life doing anything alone, pretend to be okay though how hard thing is, maintain other expectation so they won't be disappointed to me?
Am I just want to rest? Or I'm degrading myself?
If I look back,
2018;
I thought it was the hardest year ever. Thesis hit me hard. I cry a lot. But thank god I got the best support system back then. My friends didn't leave me alone. They pull me through my comfort zone, they help anything they can so I could pass the exam and graduate together. For that I feel really grateful.
First half is like forever, but then, after graduation, every good thing coming by one by one.
Got accepted as the volunteer for Asian Games, happily happy every single day. For me, 'twas a big achievement and I'm so proud of myself at the moment.
A month after, got an email from a company that I applied before. After several conversation through email, preliminary interview by phone (all done with english, gosh), I got invited to do the interview in their office, which is located in another city. Long story short, I'm in.
2019;
The first two months, homesick is all that I know. The thought of resign come every single night when I'm about to go sleep. Then my savior came. One of my bestfriend got accepted in the capital, 2 hours away from my company. It pushed back my resign plan and we spend our weekend of 2019 mostly together until we decide to come back home for good.
I can't remember any sad episode or something that really bothers me that year, maybe it's just long gone or the happiness covered it all.
2020;
Officially jobless, and I'm not stress at any point at all.
Gosh, I miss my 2020 lyfe. Not the jobless part but I don't know, I feel like I'm the most confident when I was in 2020.
Maybe because it started with first exam of the Gov's recruitment and I nailed it better than what I expect.
Or maybe in March we did the unforgettable short trip to KL, --though the watching GOT7's concert sadly canceled due to the Covid-thing, I still find my 2020 is a comfort, happy, and healing year.
How could you be happy when you just stayed inside home, doing nothing, when the world outside is not okay, got a minimum income from freelance, and so on?
I don't knowwww. I just love myself in 2020.
Can't you imagine?
Resigned, jobless, didn't know what life could offer, but standing still. Staying up late every-single-night, no overthinking, no insecure, never comparing self to other people, just living my own life and not minding people's achievement.
It was a peacefully year I could ever ask. Oh, minus the -not-so-good-arrangement- and colleague-drama from the freelance;
I love you, Tamy 2020. Would your bright personality making a comeback this year too?
2021;
The year of gratefulness--
I got everything I've ever prayed for.
Twas a good year, either.
Got a stable job. Loving friends. Caring boyfie.
Literally what I've been waiting for since I don't know when.
But sadly,
I feel like I've changed a bit.
Overthinking and insecure just like a bestfriend.
Comparing my life to others like an un-grateful human being.
Feeling not good enough. Not beautiful enough. I really miss my confidence back then. Where is it gone?
I love 2021 so much, but it's just not an easy one to pass.
It was probably my fault since beginning, I knew too much, I worry so much.
I thought when the time goes by, things would be getting better and all, but yeah, it faded, but not gone.
2022;
WHY YOU'RE SO FRAGILE?
ARE YOU A GLASS OR WHAT?
January just passed.
I don't know how much I cried this past weeks, over every little nonsense thing.
I just couldn't find the right reason. Like why???? Why????
Please let this be one time thingy. Right know, let's just blame the pms, the period hormones. After this, can we back to the independent strong blablabla person that we proud of?
We can, right?
Everything will just get better in time. Please hang in there a lil bit, okay? You got this. You got this.
Comeback stronger, will you?
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